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Understanding Gender differences in Marriage – Pst. Kingsley Okonkwo

Dec 9, 2022

Headaches can disappear by just saying I love you to your wife.

A woman speaks poetically. When she says leave me, she is saying show me that you want me. Women by nature speak poetically while men speak literally.

As a man, you can’t have a good marriage if you don’t understand sign language. Whenever your wife is having these bouts that make her remember the past, the best thing to do is to go to the past with her. Don’t try to force her to move on.

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The whole concept is that when you understand that men and women are different, you begin to understand how your partner sees life, sees situations and that helps you meet their needs.

You can’t meet the need of someone when you don’t understand their needs. Once you understand how a woman sees things and how a man sees things you now act with that information. There is no way you can be happy in marriage without understanding that.

It changed my whole life when I began to understand how women process things. So, you begin to understand how you even use your words because the way men process words is not the way women process words.

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A woman’s number one need is to be loved, a man’s number one need is to be respected. It’s not a cultural thing, it is a scriptural thing. Ephesians 5:33 (NIV). The Person that created human beings and created marriage gave that advice.

We also established that women are family-oriented and men are work-oriented. We established that the first thing God gave Adam was work and the first thing God gave Eve was a family.

A man will be at his best when he is trying to protect his job; men can change to keep their job but they won’t change to keep their marriage.

Women are family-oriented. A woman is at her best when she is trying to protect her family, her strongest strength is built.

Read also, Men who don’t appreciate their wives are wicked! – Pastor Paul Enenche

Women deal with problems by confronting them, while men deal with problems by running from them. Men only deal with problems they can’t run from.

Men are forward-oriented, a man’s favorite statement is, we need to move on. Women are past-oriented, a woman’s favorite statement is, we need to talk. The woman is more intense and emotional about the problem.

So what is the wisdom point in all these? Whenever your wife is having those bouts that she is going to the past, the best thing to do is to go to the past with her. Don’t try to force her to move on, she is going to resist. So go to the past with her, talk about what happened, not in a defensive way. There are basic rules I gave for communication: Don’t defend. Don’t debate.Don’t dismiss. Don’t disagree. These things will make her talk more if your aim is to make her not to talk more. Don’t do any of these four things.

Women have a bigger memory, scientifically proven. That is why they go to the past, the reason they store those things is because the memory is big. A Man doesn’t have big memory. So even if he wanted to store, he really don’t have where to store it. That is why men are always saying let’s move forward.

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A woman will remember everything; what happened at the wedding, how they felt. Most men don’t remember anything, the only thing they remember is all the money they saw being spent. He doesn’t remember any other thing at the wedding.

For you as the man, as I said, go with her to the past if you need to go with her to the past, that is how she will get healed. She will feel better if she feels in touch with the past. So, go with her, don’t try to drag her from it. Once she can see that you have come with her to the past and you are okay with the past, she will be okay and she will move forward. The more you try to force her out of it, she will be like you have not gotten it yet. And she feels a need to make you get it. They nag because they feel you don’t understand yet, once you understand, they come out of it. So if you want her to quickly understand, quickly follow her to the past.

You don’t win a woman in an argument, the reason you don’t win a woman in an argument is she is not even talking based on facts. Women use words to communicate feelings. When a woman is talking, what she is trying to do is to communicate how she feels.

Read also, A Good Marriage is not Automatic – Gloria Bamiloye

During any heated arguments, she may tell you, ” I know that you don’t love me”. You will say, me? Me that bought you shoes, bags and still trying my best to take care of the family. She didn’t necessarily mean you don’t love her, what she meant was, she doesn’t feel loved at that moment. So, women use words to communicate feelings and not just facts. Not that they don’t know facts but they are not in that conversation for facts, they are just trying to communicate how they feel. So, don’t go there trying to debate with her, you are wasting your time, you will never win, instead quickly try to decode what is the feeling she is trying to communicate. Once you get the feeling she is trying to communicate, what should you give as a man? Give reassurance, give encouragement, give sympathy.

So, if she is saying “I don’t feel loved”, what you should do is that, honey you know I love you. That is what she wants, she wants reassurance but most men will be debating. She needs to know that you understand what she is feeling, so show that you understand, let her know you understand how she feels. And women don’t need solutions most times when they are complaining, they can figure out things themselves. They need to talk, talking is a need for a woman. It is not a need for a man, men need to think, thinking is what is a need for a man. That is why a man can internalize, The wisdom point is to know how to react.

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